Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
"Sip, sip hooray."
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
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