She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
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