Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
"I make pour decisions."
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
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