“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
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