How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Bookworms take shelfies.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Tis the sea-sun.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
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