Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
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