How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
I think I glove you.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
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