Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Bury me next to a straight man."
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
Treat yo shelves.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
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