"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Hello Boo-tiful.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
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