“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
I cannoli be happy
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Love me do
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
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