Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?

I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.

According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.

Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.

If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.

I feel tail great!

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!

I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.

I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.

Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.

Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?

Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.

What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.

What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

"You're poaching all my best yolks."

You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.

Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.

Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.

What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."

My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.

Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.

Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!

What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.

Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.

How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.

The plural of mango should be changed to mengo