“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
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