What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.

What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"

What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

All punts are highly intended

Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.

Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.

Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.

How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?

What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

"Back that glass up."

Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.

You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!

What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!

Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.

Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.

What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.

Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

Potato puns are a-peeling.

Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!

I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?

What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw

Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.