"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
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