What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Some bunny loves you.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Go to BabaMail
