My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Time to spruce things up.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
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