Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
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