I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
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