Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Want to become my new personal best?
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
You dropped something. My jaw.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
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