An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Pugs and kisses.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
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