I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
I love you from my head tomato
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Nothing really mattress.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
I want you for no raisin.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
"Stop and smell the rosé."
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
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