What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Nice pumpkins!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
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