One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
She has high elf-esteem.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
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