What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I Tour de Francy you.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
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