Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.

What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.

My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!

KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?

Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.

How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.

Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!

“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.

How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.

“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt

Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.

Do you want to Australian Kiss?

Except the direction I'm walking in.

Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”

My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting

With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.

I=f(U), I can't function without you.

So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"

You smell... We should go take a shower together.

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy

Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.