Rudder valve reversals
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
My love for you is like no otter.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Sip, sip, horray!
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
All punts are highly intended
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
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