You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Octopus ocular optics.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
I’m feelin’ green.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
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