Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Irish I had better jokes.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
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