What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
He threw three free throws.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
Your name is insert name here?
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
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