What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Do you like free samples?
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
So how many cats do you have?
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Skiing is believing!
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
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