How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
You really flipturn me on.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Go to BabaMail
