Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"No wine left behind."
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
That’s a-may-zing!
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
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