Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
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