Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Water you doing?
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
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