What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
I’m very frond of you.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I can sea clearly now.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
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