What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.

"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."

What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.

Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.

Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.

Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.

Cutest clover in the patch.

What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!

Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.

"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Join us for plenty of play action.

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg

“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”

― Robyn Schneider

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain

"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz

How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy

What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!

I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor

What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.

"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty

What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.

Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.

The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck

What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s pop corn?

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld

What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.

Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.

I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.