A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
The temperature can only go up from here.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
The superconductor left without resistance.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Burst into cheers!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Take a page from the book and leaf.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
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