Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
I Wanna Be Your Man
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
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