What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
"I've found some bunny to love."
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Go to BabaMail
