You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
We’re mint to be.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Eddie edited it.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
"Alcohol you later."
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
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