The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Shake your shamrocks.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
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