A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

"Do you play the trom-bone?"

“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.

What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.

Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.

Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.

Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?

What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.

You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?

I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one

You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.

Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.

Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down

This is one spray-cation to remember.

"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?

What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!

"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel

“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown

The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.

Want to show me how to make steamy greens?

Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!