What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
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