How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Up to snow good.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
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