The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.

You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.

If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?

I think you're mer-mazing.

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.

You had me at ruff.

What is a car’s favourite job?

Caretaker.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.

What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”

- Maurice Johnston.

I think therefore I yam.

What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.

Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.

Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?

The Cherokees.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.

How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.

I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.

Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.

What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.

What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!

I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.

"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault

Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.

What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.

Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.

I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.

What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.

My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.