Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Want to be workout buddies?
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Nothing really mattress.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
You looked better when I was drunk.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Let me plant one on ya!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
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