A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
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