Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
You better beer-live it!
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Trowel and error.
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