What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
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