Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
I beg your garden?
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
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