My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Nothing really mattress.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Rudder valve reversals
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Hold on for deer life.
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