What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
When are you going to invite me to church?
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
How hot does your gas oven get?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
For instant fun, just add water.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
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